Ok here goes. And please read in entirety because God is a God of redemption, insane love, and freedom.
Recently a sex ed bill passed which plans to teach our children about sex at school. What I want to explain here is what the curriculum will not, because Jesus and freedom from the past are not taught in our public system. They will only teach that consequences of pre-marital sex are pregnancy and STD's. What I want to tell you there is much, much more. There are consequences that are not only physical but mental, spiritual, and soul wounding.
I longed for an article like this when I was a teenager. I wanted to know why over and over again WHY I should choose to remain abstinent. (which if you have read my story you know I totally failed at this, so I've been there if you have already messed up. I get it). I needed a cheerleader. Someone to affirm my beliefs of what I believe the Bible to say is true. I wanted to be told why not to have sex.
I can't help but relate to Eve. She saw the shiny (ok maybe not shiny) delicious looking fruit that she longed to have and know more. She wanted the pleasure and the experience and the "feeling of love". We as humans long to be loved and we do go looking for it in the wrong places..which is often other humans not the God who created us. The apple was a trick. Genesis says the snake was "crafty" He knew just how to twist the truth into a lie. He is a liar. Once she ate of it Eve felt ashamed, and guilty. Plus a whole bunch of other bad things that happened but I want to focus on her feelings. After she ate the fruit she hid from God. Why do we hide?? Yes we are either afraid or ashamed when we sin. Kids even do this when they poop their pants. She felt awful.
This was my experience. I was even date-raped when I lost my virginity but still felt incredible guilt. Even as a victim I felt like it was all my fault for getting in the situation. A wall of shame came over me. It darkened my heart, and blocked my ears to hear Gods truth about me. I felt worthless. I was so ashamed I continued the behavior because I no longer thought I was worth it. Even Dr. Donald Joy in his book Re-Bonding: Preventing and Restoring Damaged Relationships suggests that because sexual intercourse is an intense bonding experience between two partners, it feeds a desire to repeat the act in order to feel nurtured again. When one illicit sexual relationship ends and another begins, the couple progresses rapidly to sexual intimacy in order to recreate the bonding they've come to expect. When having sex outside of marriage is true intimacy-we look to sex to provide the closeness and love that we are longing for." It really messed me up. Partially yes because of the rape, but my behavior continued in a super embarrassing and shameful way of continuing to sleep with men...sometimes men I barely knew.
We all have a desire for intimacy. But we have been created to have intimacy with God. When I see how much he loves and lavishes on me I don't desire to find that from other people. The time I lost my virginity I entered into the deepest darkest time of my life, and my heart actually hurts just writing this. My chest is tightening. This is the passion I have for you, and the deep anguish I feel for you and for the precious gift God has for you. Yes your virginity is a precious gift.
1 Corinthians 6:18 says "flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside of his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." Sexual sin is not worse than other sins, but it is different. Its a sin that we commit against ourselves. And I want you to know right now you can be free from the sexual baggage and bonds you may have already created. I'm saying any type of sexual touch. This doesn't have to even be intercourse to have bonded. Jesus came to set you free. His blood covers you! It is finished! You can drop your chains right now and receive His crazy never ending love and affection and forgiveness. There is grace! But I'm telling you this also if you haven't already made these bonds that it truly affects you to your core.
Ok I'm going to quote from a book that I think all teenagers should read..and if you have had sex before marriage you too. Its called "The invisible Bond" or "Kiss me Again" by Barbara Wilson its how to break free from your sexual past and she goes in depth but it impacted me so much I must share some of it with you;
"Did you know that your brain is your most important sex organ? Physiologically, everything that happens to us sexually begins in the brain. Thats where arousal and desire originate, and its where the physical ability to act on that arousal is commanded. Dr. Douglass Weiss, a noted expert on sexual addiction and porn, has researched the brain and sex and provides us with incredible insight about how we become bonded sexually. As with all organs in our body, the brain has chemical needs. Two of the chemicals that the brain produces and releases are endorphins and enkephalins. These chemicals act as natural pain relievers, They also give one an incredible sense of well-being."
"There are several pathways by which these chemicals are released in the brain, just like the "runners high". If a runner pushes through the pain and wall of exhaustion the result is a burst of energy, as though the race had just begun. The reason is the release of endorphins and enkephalins into the bloodstream. Other pathways are not as well known but I'm sure you have experienced some like creative expression, artistic expression, intimate conversation, or sexual release. For many the temptation to use repeatedly only only one pathway to release these chemicals can cause unbalanced living. I think this is one of the reasons we see people addicted to various activities such as working, shopping and sex. Pavlov even conditioned his dogs showing your brain bonds with your trigger like the bell and them salivating."
"Another hormone our body produces is a hormone called oxytocin. It is released in our brains when we have sex. This is another example of illustrating Gods design for lifelong bonding to one person among humans. It is produces in the pituitary gland, and we experience high levels of it in three types of circumstances; during labor& delivery, while breastfeeding and during sexual arousal and release. A study by Dr Erick J. Keroack and Dr. John R Diggs Jr of Medical Abstinence Council showed that sex was directly related to high brain levels of oxytocin. New data also supported the theory that this hormone plays a key role in human attachments. Scientific studies show the levels of oxytocin rose threefold in men during erection and orgasm, but if oxytocin-blocking agents were used, the sexual sensations and feelings were blocked as well. The men were able to "complete the task" but without any sexual desire attached to the event. Doctors Keroack and Diggs suggest that this is why men who damage their bonding mechanism through casual sex are less able to form lifetime commitments to their mates."
"Another interesting finding was that oxytocin inhibits the development of tolerance in opiate receptors in the brain. Remember the endorphins and enkephalins? Well that "wow" feeling from sex is partially created by these chemicals. But as the relationship matures fewer endorphins are released so the effect decreases. Just like when someone takes an addictive drug. As time goes on you need a higher dose. But whats fascinating about oxytocin is that if a sexual relationship is well bonded, the oxytocin response helps maintain the "wow" even though fewer endorphins are released. Oxytocin can help keep the love alive, long into the relationship. unfortunately, people who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the powers of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual. because just as in heroin addiction, when the receptors become accustomed to a certain level of endorphins, the absence of oxytocin, the person involved will experience "sex withdrawal", and will need to move on two "new and more exciting" things/people. This is how sex addiction happen the endorphins and enkephalins that are released are addicting. God designed oxytocin to ensure that we want to repeat it with the same person, our spouse thereby protecting us from becoming sexually addicted. Sounds like a perfect plan, doesn't it?"
Isn't this mind boggling? That oxytocin is like our sex "super glue" to our spouse and when we dump it out early we don't have the same glue bond for our marriage!
This book goes on and on with other examples about how God created us for one person. There is a whole section on Porn, I'm not going to go there but fully believe it is the greatest evil the human race has ever known. When we have sex outside of marriage our hearts are damaged, we become much more insecure, and seek out love and attention from people to fill our "love tank" that God wants to fill. Even a Gallup poll done in 1996 surveyed that the number one reason teen relationships break up is because the partners have had sex. "If the desires for commitment created by the sex are not fulfilled, partners in the relationship can come to resent one another." You feel abandoned and alone.
There are deep soul ties and wounds from sex outside of marriage. The guilt cripples and spins you into the sin cycle. There is a reason God gives us rules, he wants to protect you, and when you go outside of His will there are consequences. Emotionally, spiritually, and physical consequences.
There are many many more bible verses I could pull out in support of God wanting you to be modest and save yourself for marriage, but if you are reading this you have google at your touch and you can look more up. I highlighted them in high school just so I would be able to see them clearly to hold onto them.
Here is incredibly good news if you have already broken a sexual covenant with God. God can repair and give you a new heart. He is all powerful and can break the bonds of sex AND repair your love glue oxytocin. Here are steps to freedom;
1. You need to surrender your life to God. Relinquish. Let go of control. This is hard but God wants you to give it to Him. Luke 9:24 " Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, whoever looses his life for me will save it." We must choose to surrender. He has his arms wide open right in front of you.
2. You need true repentance. The greatest benefit of being broken, is that is where we are the most moldable. It softens our hearts and realigns our direction and purpose. We flourish. The theme of this blog is from Isaiah 61:1-3 He will bestow upon you a crown instead of ashes.
3. Understand the root of your Sin. Especially as a Christian I didn't understand why I longed for sex. I had Jesus in my heart why did I want to sin? The problem is that I was focusing on the sin itself, but God wanted me to see the root. I had a hardened heart. I was sorry for what I had done but because of how it impacted me. The feelings of shame regret, and pain were awful, and I repeatedly confessed my sin and wanted reconciliation with God, but I didn't change my behavior until I learned that the holy spirit gives power to help me and I finally learned the difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. 2Corinth 7:10 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation, and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." I had sooo much regret that I realized I had worldly sorrow. I started taking true responsibility of my actions that I had denied before.
4. Obedience. God keeps refining me day by day but my one true desire is to obey Him each day. Knowing God and pleasing Him are the two greatest desires of my heart. This is because I can now see myself more how He sees me. I know I haven't touched on this enough yet but God adores you child. He is crazy in love with you and knows you more deeply and intimately than anyone else on this planet. He thinks of you constantly Psalm 68:19. the Bible is filled with His truth and how crazy he is about you. He wants to lavish his love on you. I've learned this and that is why I want to obey. He knows whats best.
5. You must pray to break the sexual bonds. You have the power of prayer to break these bonds. You just have to ask. We know that we have what we ask of Him if it is in His will. Make a sexual history list of people and take some time with God to reveal these names and/or faces to you. This will be difficult but you need to heal from each one, so you can face it. I'm praying for you too. You need Gods healing from each one. Include everyone you had sex with outside of marriage. Write down everything God shows you. This is important to process so you can move on. God knows how much you need healing, and He will stand alongside you all the way. Once you are done thats when you are ready to ask Him to give you His eyes so you can see your sin the way He does. Seeing my sin the way God did released the invisible bonds I had with all these people a new freedom and grasp of His great Grace. Each name I asked God to restore me from anything torn off, and take off anything I had taken from someone else.
If you were violated like I was you still need to forgive them to set yourself free. This is pertinent to healing. I'm copying Barbara Wilsons Prayer below that goes with #5. Take whatever time you need.
Lord, I ask forgiveness for sining against You and against my own body. IN the name of Jesus Christ, I sever and renounce the bonds I created with ______________________. In the name of Jesus I release my heart tie with they person physical, emotionally and spiritually. I choose by faith to forgive ________________ for the violation against me. I also ask for forgiveness of my violation of him (or her). Please remove the negative emotional baggage that ti have been carrying around with me, by which I have been harming others. Restore to me a virgin heart, as though I had never been with this person, and heal me completely of the damage this sin has caused my body, my soul,and my spirit. I accept your forgiveness, and I reject eh enemy attack-his attempts to fill me with shame associated with this person. I claim complete healing and restoration in the name of Jesus. Amen!
I hope and pray you walked through this and have a new found freedom. If you are a teenager I hope that this has strengthened your faith and conviction to wait. I would love to hear your story, and be your cheerleader. Feel free to message me on instagram or facebook @ashes2crowns. I would love to encourage and pray for you. Our God is so amazing and just stop for a second and try to see Him smiling down at you, he really really loves you to pieces!!
Love YOU!!! -Suz
1 Thess 4:4-7 says "Yes each of you must gaurd you sexual purity with holiness and dignity, not yielding to lustful passions like those who don't know God. Never take selfish advantage of a brother or sister in the matter, for we've already told you and solemnly warned you that the Lord is the avenger in all these things. For Gods call on our lives is not to a life of compromise and perversion but to a life surrounded in holiness."
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Friday, April 13, 2018
Comparing
I know its been a while since I've been here. And it circles back around to feeling inadequate. Along with that, I do try to present small snippets of what God "downloads" to me in my personal facebook and Instagram feeds. So as my mind was spinning in bed once again tonight with so many thoughts, I'm here back at my computer screen with a "download" to share.
A recent post of mine on instagram (if you want to follow me its actually under my business @3birdsphotog) I wrote "Comparison Steals Joy" I stated " Don't let comparing yourself to others rob you of who you are and who you were created to be." I had a privilege to see song writers and singer @Daramaclean perform a song called "free" that has a statement that is repeated over and over again in my head. She states " The girl I've tried so hard to be, has always been me." let me say that again. "The girl I've tried so hard to be, has always been me.? WHATTT???!!! Is that not mind blowing?!!!!!!!!
God truly, deeply, created me just right. As many times as I say to others that God doesn't make mistakes it is true. He is IN ME. So as my daughter asks if I love myself, I say whole heartedly YES, because God is in me and I love God more than anything. His BLOOD rescued my soul and I am made in HIS image.
So lets get back to this comparison thing. Since I can remember have compared myself to others. I was naturally athletic along with competitive so comparing comes super natural for me. Who was the best, and I always wanted to be the best. Which growing up in a small town, was super easy. I compared myself to my peers all growing up, not sure if I would ever have it together, but everyone else seemed to. I then compared myself to others success as they advanced to different jobs. Parenting followed. Which I'm still daily failing at, but hey, I keep telling myself no one has this parenting gig down. My three are alive, and My heart is so full of love and pride for them I feel I may have an ounce of this down. (with God help, I honestly don't know how people do this parenting thing without Jesus, can I get an AMEN?!!!)
I had a revelation as I went to bed tonight as I have my daily "talk" with my "buddy" Jesus. I had bible study today and they touched on trust and how this one gal has her face on the floor for an hour a day and has this intimate time and love for Jesus. He is her best friend. She can be empowered by him, pray with him throughout the day and make business and daily decisions because she is empowered and filled with the holy spirit. So again "naturally" I compare (which isn't ALWAYS a bad thing) and see here were my take aways of how I fail.
1. I take the reigns far too often in life and in my business. Control is something I seem to want, not always asking God first. Am I walking and living in the Holy Spirit each day moment by moment? I want to. I try to, am I failing?
2. My comparison to others is what often drives me to make the decisions I do. "Tricks" and ideas have worked for others so I should copy and do the same. I compare my work to others constantly wondering (as my work is totally public) do I know what the heck I'm doing or does everything look awful and I have no clue how bad it is??? But does it really matter? As I have been set free in many areas, and am still learning "success" in the world is far different than Jesus.
3. My comparison goes to the level that I look at Christians "who have it together" and wonder if I ever will. I hear this lady who is so inspired by God and so inspiring herself, even a friend in my own home who has an amazing time and relationship with the Lord...and they tell me what looks like, should mine be the same? Should I be doing the same exact things so I can get closer to Him?
I hear a resounding answer is no. I feel the presence of God so strong like he is holding my hand and writing these very words. I am enough. My heart longs to be close to Jesus and please Him, love Him, and serve Him. My comparison steals my joy and creates doubt of my own relationship with my own Lord and Savior. Whom I love. Yes I mess up, but that is what the cross has covered and I'm eternally and moment by moment thankful for. I think like all relationships they are different for everyone, so maybe my relationship with Jesus looks different than yours, but that is the beauty of it.
Here are a few notes I took this morning from my bible study I want to share:
"Jesus isn't just your helper throughout your day, He is your complete source and foundation, your identity and strength. Nothing else matters."
"You have to choose if your identity is in what people think of you or if its in Christa and how He sees you and is IN YOU."
"Value is being know and seen by Him, not people"
"The more I receive to more I'm able to extend, so overflow every place you go"
"Prayer is a dialogue not a monologue all day every day"
"Like the lights in the frozen food section at Target, as you take a step forward they turn on, all you have to do it take the step". (Psalm 119:105 came to mind)
"As God spoke the world into existence, we are created in his Image. Our words also have power because we are made in His image and He is in us. You have the same power, your tongue is really so powerful"
Yes time in prayer and in the word draws me closer to Jesus. But my prayer time and bible time may look different than yours and I'm learning thats ok, there is freedom. There is only one standard to try to attain each day and that is Jesus, son of God, with the Holy Spirit there empowering and holding your hand.
I know I didn't jam pack a bunch of bible verses in here that I could go back and stuff in here, but this is whats on my heart and I pray will bless you and change your heart today. Only Gods opinion matters. The world screams comparison in our faces, when its all a facade. God wants you, and all of you. Receive the gift of His love, salvation, forgiveness and freedom today. Comparison may bring you "worldly success". But we are a mere tiny dot on this earth compared to eternity. Eternity matters. Today matters. You are a princess, loved, and made just right. The girl you have tried so hard to be has always been you. <3. Love you. xoxo.
~Suz
A recent post of mine on instagram (if you want to follow me its actually under my business @3birdsphotog) I wrote "Comparison Steals Joy" I stated " Don't let comparing yourself to others rob you of who you are and who you were created to be." I had a privilege to see song writers and singer @Daramaclean perform a song called "free" that has a statement that is repeated over and over again in my head. She states " The girl I've tried so hard to be, has always been me." let me say that again. "The girl I've tried so hard to be, has always been me.? WHATTT???!!! Is that not mind blowing?!!!!!!!!
God truly, deeply, created me just right. As many times as I say to others that God doesn't make mistakes it is true. He is IN ME. So as my daughter asks if I love myself, I say whole heartedly YES, because God is in me and I love God more than anything. His BLOOD rescued my soul and I am made in HIS image.
So lets get back to this comparison thing. Since I can remember have compared myself to others. I was naturally athletic along with competitive so comparing comes super natural for me. Who was the best, and I always wanted to be the best. Which growing up in a small town, was super easy. I compared myself to my peers all growing up, not sure if I would ever have it together, but everyone else seemed to. I then compared myself to others success as they advanced to different jobs. Parenting followed. Which I'm still daily failing at, but hey, I keep telling myself no one has this parenting gig down. My three are alive, and My heart is so full of love and pride for them I feel I may have an ounce of this down. (with God help, I honestly don't know how people do this parenting thing without Jesus, can I get an AMEN?!!!)
I had a revelation as I went to bed tonight as I have my daily "talk" with my "buddy" Jesus. I had bible study today and they touched on trust and how this one gal has her face on the floor for an hour a day and has this intimate time and love for Jesus. He is her best friend. She can be empowered by him, pray with him throughout the day and make business and daily decisions because she is empowered and filled with the holy spirit. So again "naturally" I compare (which isn't ALWAYS a bad thing) and see here were my take aways of how I fail.
1. I take the reigns far too often in life and in my business. Control is something I seem to want, not always asking God first. Am I walking and living in the Holy Spirit each day moment by moment? I want to. I try to, am I failing?
2. My comparison to others is what often drives me to make the decisions I do. "Tricks" and ideas have worked for others so I should copy and do the same. I compare my work to others constantly wondering (as my work is totally public) do I know what the heck I'm doing or does everything look awful and I have no clue how bad it is??? But does it really matter? As I have been set free in many areas, and am still learning "success" in the world is far different than Jesus.
3. My comparison goes to the level that I look at Christians "who have it together" and wonder if I ever will. I hear this lady who is so inspired by God and so inspiring herself, even a friend in my own home who has an amazing time and relationship with the Lord...and they tell me what looks like, should mine be the same? Should I be doing the same exact things so I can get closer to Him?
I hear a resounding answer is no. I feel the presence of God so strong like he is holding my hand and writing these very words. I am enough. My heart longs to be close to Jesus and please Him, love Him, and serve Him. My comparison steals my joy and creates doubt of my own relationship with my own Lord and Savior. Whom I love. Yes I mess up, but that is what the cross has covered and I'm eternally and moment by moment thankful for. I think like all relationships they are different for everyone, so maybe my relationship with Jesus looks different than yours, but that is the beauty of it.
Here are a few notes I took this morning from my bible study I want to share:
"Jesus isn't just your helper throughout your day, He is your complete source and foundation, your identity and strength. Nothing else matters."
"You have to choose if your identity is in what people think of you or if its in Christa and how He sees you and is IN YOU."
"Value is being know and seen by Him, not people"
"The more I receive to more I'm able to extend, so overflow every place you go"
"Prayer is a dialogue not a monologue all day every day"
"Like the lights in the frozen food section at Target, as you take a step forward they turn on, all you have to do it take the step". (Psalm 119:105 came to mind)
"As God spoke the world into existence, we are created in his Image. Our words also have power because we are made in His image and He is in us. You have the same power, your tongue is really so powerful"
Yes time in prayer and in the word draws me closer to Jesus. But my prayer time and bible time may look different than yours and I'm learning thats ok, there is freedom. There is only one standard to try to attain each day and that is Jesus, son of God, with the Holy Spirit there empowering and holding your hand.
I know I didn't jam pack a bunch of bible verses in here that I could go back and stuff in here, but this is whats on my heart and I pray will bless you and change your heart today. Only Gods opinion matters. The world screams comparison in our faces, when its all a facade. God wants you, and all of you. Receive the gift of His love, salvation, forgiveness and freedom today. Comparison may bring you "worldly success". But we are a mere tiny dot on this earth compared to eternity. Eternity matters. Today matters. You are a princess, loved, and made just right. The girl you have tried so hard to be has always been you. <3. Love you. xoxo.
~Suz
Monday, June 26, 2017
Honest
I am honestly no one to really follow. But the one I follow is. I can honestly say to you reading this that I love you. Not because I may know you, but I know Jesus. My heart is for Jesus, and when my eyes are fixed on the cross he gives me a piece of His heart that fully beats for you and loves you more than you can ever imagine.
To receive this love fully we have to be honest. This post I'm writing to you I will actually get the chance to speak to a group of high school students at church camp, but I fully feel it is to share with the world I can reach in whatever capacity I can on this blog.
I've been inspired by a song, that keeps replaying in my head, and has hit my heart. So if possible please play this song after you read, because it will become much more relevant to you. If We're Honest by Franchesca Battistelli
"Dark seems safer than the light" "We build walls nobody can get through" "living life afraid of getting caught"
You know what is interesting? The first thing Adam and Eve did after sinning is hide. They felt shame for the first time. Even when toddlers are ready to potty train they go and hide behind something because they know better. I see this often when people are around pastors or someone who makes them feel convicted they turn tail and run, or start making up lies. Even the shallow "how ya doin" to your neighbor at the last social gathering and you answer "oh great". Are you hiding from the truth so you don't have to explain yourself? Are you great? Why aren't you honest? Why aren't you sharing your struggles with your people? truth sets you free.
"Don't pretend to be something that you're not"
We wear masks. We pretend to be something we are not. our Image, reputation, fear of rejection drive this. We pretend we have it all together, when just moments ago I said hurtful words to my husband/child you name it. Our hearts may be hard, and we pretend they are not. We may be totally bitter and never try to understand the other persons point of view.
"I'm a mess and so are you" "so bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine"
um yes! ding ding ding! I'm a complete mess. I"m broken. So lets be honest. How about we take a look at the ten commandments;
The Ten Commandments
“You shall have no other gods before[a] me.
“You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
“You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
“You shall not murder.
“You shall not commit adultery.
“You shall not steal.
“You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
1 & 2 : This must get old to God but I have so many times put other people on pedestals. I have put jobs, friends, my reputation, boyfriends, and my husband before God. My selfish motives have come before God making my priorities gods before God.
3: Lord have mercy I have used your name in vain. This I'm thankful I have tried my darndest to keep my words clean, but this is more of a heart issue for me than tongue. I cringe when people take the Lords name in vain. But its always interesting when people who don't believe in God are cursing him. so again guilty here.
4. Sabbath. I just sighed. Because I have been learning more about the importance of a day of rest, and am becoming more convicted of it. As I now have a business and still have dishes and laundry to do on Sundays I have to say no to working and prep so the work doesn't have to be done. This one seems a bit tricky, but really if God needed a day of rest after creating the world I surely need a day of rest after each week. He wants us to re-charge and I FAIL all the time. Alrighty friends needing accountability on this one!!
5. Honor your father and mother. Well I could probably put #9 lying on this one too looking back when I lived under their roof. I many times went against my parents will. I got a kick out of rebelling over things that didn't really matter. But it did matter to God, and I didn't see that. I still sometimes years later think I may know better, which is silly. but again guilty.
6. Murder. Big word, with a bigger meaning than you may be thinking. I'm a murderer. 1st John 3:15 "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him." Need I say more? I haven't truly hated anyone that I have crossed paths with, but I have had my moments of hatred towards people. that makes me a murderer.
7. Adultery. Ok since I'm being honest here, you may need to go back and read some of my past blogs but sex binds you. You become one. "married" So I married more than one man, therefore committing adultery. I sadly cheated on boyfriends also, with my hardened heart I had. Another aspect of adultery is Matt 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" I really am so thankful that I don't struggle with lusting since being married, but I can't honestly say I have never done it in the last 10 years. Satan is crafty and has snuck in my brain a few times and I admit I've been guilty of this.
8. Stealing. Ugh. The pit of my stomach I still feel guilty about stealing things in my youth! I one time stole a gift card for $100 and felt so guilty immediately I gave it to my sister. boom. admitted it. Sorry mom and dad. (I've taken this up with God many times because of the guilt) And the other one I still loose sleep over sometimes is I stole a shirt that was name brand out of a give away pile for people who needed it much more than I did. I don't think I ever wore it because I felt so bad. Plus people were watching. I had lost my mind during that dark time. So yes I've stolen. Still feel sick.
9. Lies. oh boy howdy, have I told some stories. I white lies. "protected" people from the truth. yep yep yep. Lied to my parents because I wanted to go to a party, and I've fibbed about the new clothes in the closet to my husband. heck I tell white lies to my children often so they don't know the truth. this one is hard when they aren't ready for the truth at their juvenile ages, but I'm learning each word matters. guilty. sadly still guilty. Father forgive me. "Truth is harder than the lies"
10. Covet. Man I have some friends with some really nice homes, swimming pools, backsplashes, cars, clothing, vehicles, getaways and what looks like complete financial freedom. I'm so so so happy we don't struggle with finances thanks to my smarty pants husband, but he keeps me cheap and not over indulgent. He keeps me grounded and helps me see what really matters. So I'm happy to drive my vehicles that are always 10-15 years old, and not spend the thousands to makeover my home in the way I would love to for my own self. But I am so guilty of wanting what others have.
So I'm a mess. Are you after seeing these standards handed to Moses from God??? I think you may be a bit messy too. These sins against God bind us in chains. But He has handed us the keys to these chains. He has freely given us GRACE, FORGIVENESS HE laid down his life to set us free from these chains.
"There is Freedom Found When we lay our secrets down at the cross" "mercy is waiting on the other side"
So these secrets I'm telling you today I have laid down at the cross, and have brought me freedom. My chains are set free because of what He has done for me. His blood has covered us fully. You fully.
Your pain, your self hatred, your cutting, your depression, your insecurities, if your offended, bitter, sexual sin, your lies, your hatred towards others, your sin, your ugly. He has already forgiven and made new. He wants to turn your ashes into beauty. all you have to do is take it. take the crown of beauty. He has a crazy love for you!! You don't have to earn his love, he already loves you more than you can imagine. He died for YOU. Mercy is waiting for you, and its right in front of you.
Lay your secrets down. Get them out! Get counsel. Talk to someone, ask forgiveness for wrong doings. LAY THEM DOWN. Write them on a index card and burn them. Get on your knees and confess them out loud. You fill in the blank; My secret/brokenness is ____________________________________________ Jesus I lay this down to you, cover it with your blood and I confess my sin, living in sin, hiding from you and putting on a mask. Thank you for your forgiveness, mercy and crazy love. I repent, and receive your healing and freedom in Jesus mighty name, AMEN. Freedom is near. This is exciting.
I'm so so thankful I have been set free in so many ways. But here is another insight. We are like onions. When its due time God deals with our junk as we are ready. I have had some pretty dark layers peeled off and healed, but he is still peeling me and healing me. My "Aha" moments still come so often, that I'm in awe of his love for me even more. If I'm honest, it does change my life and set me free. If we're honest.
"and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:3
copy and paste link below to watch youtube video of "If Were Honest" by Franchesca Battistelli
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8
To receive this love fully we have to be honest. This post I'm writing to you I will actually get the chance to speak to a group of high school students at church camp, but I fully feel it is to share with the world I can reach in whatever capacity I can on this blog.
I've been inspired by a song, that keeps replaying in my head, and has hit my heart. So if possible please play this song after you read, because it will become much more relevant to you. If We're Honest by Franchesca Battistelli
"Dark seems safer than the light" "We build walls nobody can get through" "living life afraid of getting caught"
You know what is interesting? The first thing Adam and Eve did after sinning is hide. They felt shame for the first time. Even when toddlers are ready to potty train they go and hide behind something because they know better. I see this often when people are around pastors or someone who makes them feel convicted they turn tail and run, or start making up lies. Even the shallow "how ya doin" to your neighbor at the last social gathering and you answer "oh great". Are you hiding from the truth so you don't have to explain yourself? Are you great? Why aren't you honest? Why aren't you sharing your struggles with your people? truth sets you free.
"Don't pretend to be something that you're not"
We wear masks. We pretend to be something we are not. our Image, reputation, fear of rejection drive this. We pretend we have it all together, when just moments ago I said hurtful words to my husband/child you name it. Our hearts may be hard, and we pretend they are not. We may be totally bitter and never try to understand the other persons point of view.
"I'm a mess and so are you" "so bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine"
um yes! ding ding ding! I'm a complete mess. I"m broken. So lets be honest. How about we take a look at the ten commandments;
The Ten Commandments
“You shall have no other gods before[a] me.
“You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
“You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
“You shall not murder.
“You shall not commit adultery.
“You shall not steal.
“You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
1 & 2 : This must get old to God but I have so many times put other people on pedestals. I have put jobs, friends, my reputation, boyfriends, and my husband before God. My selfish motives have come before God making my priorities gods before God.
3: Lord have mercy I have used your name in vain. This I'm thankful I have tried my darndest to keep my words clean, but this is more of a heart issue for me than tongue. I cringe when people take the Lords name in vain. But its always interesting when people who don't believe in God are cursing him. so again guilty here.
4. Sabbath. I just sighed. Because I have been learning more about the importance of a day of rest, and am becoming more convicted of it. As I now have a business and still have dishes and laundry to do on Sundays I have to say no to working and prep so the work doesn't have to be done. This one seems a bit tricky, but really if God needed a day of rest after creating the world I surely need a day of rest after each week. He wants us to re-charge and I FAIL all the time. Alrighty friends needing accountability on this one!!
5. Honor your father and mother. Well I could probably put #9 lying on this one too looking back when I lived under their roof. I many times went against my parents will. I got a kick out of rebelling over things that didn't really matter. But it did matter to God, and I didn't see that. I still sometimes years later think I may know better, which is silly. but again guilty.
6. Murder. Big word, with a bigger meaning than you may be thinking. I'm a murderer. 1st John 3:15 "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him." Need I say more? I haven't truly hated anyone that I have crossed paths with, but I have had my moments of hatred towards people. that makes me a murderer.
7. Adultery. Ok since I'm being honest here, you may need to go back and read some of my past blogs but sex binds you. You become one. "married" So I married more than one man, therefore committing adultery. I sadly cheated on boyfriends also, with my hardened heart I had. Another aspect of adultery is Matt 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" I really am so thankful that I don't struggle with lusting since being married, but I can't honestly say I have never done it in the last 10 years. Satan is crafty and has snuck in my brain a few times and I admit I've been guilty of this.
8. Stealing. Ugh. The pit of my stomach I still feel guilty about stealing things in my youth! I one time stole a gift card for $100 and felt so guilty immediately I gave it to my sister. boom. admitted it. Sorry mom and dad. (I've taken this up with God many times because of the guilt) And the other one I still loose sleep over sometimes is I stole a shirt that was name brand out of a give away pile for people who needed it much more than I did. I don't think I ever wore it because I felt so bad. Plus people were watching. I had lost my mind during that dark time. So yes I've stolen. Still feel sick.
9. Lies. oh boy howdy, have I told some stories. I white lies. "protected" people from the truth. yep yep yep. Lied to my parents because I wanted to go to a party, and I've fibbed about the new clothes in the closet to my husband. heck I tell white lies to my children often so they don't know the truth. this one is hard when they aren't ready for the truth at their juvenile ages, but I'm learning each word matters. guilty. sadly still guilty. Father forgive me. "Truth is harder than the lies"
10. Covet. Man I have some friends with some really nice homes, swimming pools, backsplashes, cars, clothing, vehicles, getaways and what looks like complete financial freedom. I'm so so so happy we don't struggle with finances thanks to my smarty pants husband, but he keeps me cheap and not over indulgent. He keeps me grounded and helps me see what really matters. So I'm happy to drive my vehicles that are always 10-15 years old, and not spend the thousands to makeover my home in the way I would love to for my own self. But I am so guilty of wanting what others have.
So I'm a mess. Are you after seeing these standards handed to Moses from God??? I think you may be a bit messy too. These sins against God bind us in chains. But He has handed us the keys to these chains. He has freely given us GRACE, FORGIVENESS HE laid down his life to set us free from these chains.
"There is Freedom Found When we lay our secrets down at the cross" "mercy is waiting on the other side"
So these secrets I'm telling you today I have laid down at the cross, and have brought me freedom. My chains are set free because of what He has done for me. His blood has covered us fully. You fully.
Your pain, your self hatred, your cutting, your depression, your insecurities, if your offended, bitter, sexual sin, your lies, your hatred towards others, your sin, your ugly. He has already forgiven and made new. He wants to turn your ashes into beauty. all you have to do is take it. take the crown of beauty. He has a crazy love for you!! You don't have to earn his love, he already loves you more than you can imagine. He died for YOU. Mercy is waiting for you, and its right in front of you.
Lay your secrets down. Get them out! Get counsel. Talk to someone, ask forgiveness for wrong doings. LAY THEM DOWN. Write them on a index card and burn them. Get on your knees and confess them out loud. You fill in the blank; My secret/brokenness is ____________________________________________ Jesus I lay this down to you, cover it with your blood and I confess my sin, living in sin, hiding from you and putting on a mask. Thank you for your forgiveness, mercy and crazy love. I repent, and receive your healing and freedom in Jesus mighty name, AMEN. Freedom is near. This is exciting.
I'm so so thankful I have been set free in so many ways. But here is another insight. We are like onions. When its due time God deals with our junk as we are ready. I have had some pretty dark layers peeled off and healed, but he is still peeling me and healing me. My "Aha" moments still come so often, that I'm in awe of his love for me even more. If I'm honest, it does change my life and set me free. If we're honest.
"and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:3
copy and paste link below to watch youtube video of "If Were Honest" by Franchesca Battistelli
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8
Thursday, December 3, 2015
NyQuil Hangover
Do you feel like your life is full of unmet or failed expectations? Like waking up from NyQuil in a "drunken haze" kind of unmet expectation? let me explain.
Last night as I prepared to go to bed, I took a good cough suppressant that I had purchased earlier in the day in hopes rest would come to help make up for the night before. (night before I was awoken many times by a restless, hot, sick, coughing 2 year old and come to find out double ear infection). For a week now I've been taking NyQuil every night, and awoken in a blurry state. And as a parent of young children the amount of needs that need to be fulfilled every morning are overwhelming especially in a "drunken" state. (can I get and amen??!) So after downing the correct amount of cough suppressant I headed to bed thinking I was so smart not to take NyQuil to help my morning to come. Well and hour later somehow I am in a coughing state. And really only one side of my throat, and I'm sitting up asking why? Again? I just so badly wanted to sleeeeeep! So In a cough suppressant haze I go to the couch to sit up and on my way take a shot of NyQuil because surly I'll fall asleep. No I didn't think twice or count the hours until I would be awake, I just did it.
So morning comes and the pitter patter of feet come in when its still dark and I'm certain its the middle of the night. then a light switch flips on and two more feet come pitter pattering down the stairs. All I can think is seriously? It cannot be morning already. Now I have to admit I'm one who likes to have her sleep. To a fault. Like I don't want to get up and help my kids if I didn't get sleep. Actually its worse than that, to a selfish degree I want sleep. I would be happy if my kids could get themselves ready each day and I could just sleep. I even made a sign that says "Joy Comes in The Morning" and my husband was laughing at me because I'm not such a "joy" in the morning.
So after repeated feet coming to my room, I get to my feet and my head does not want to be upright. Immediately three kids are whining and crying over each other, and I want to turn around and bury my head back into my bed. But thats not an option. Why? Because I entered this phase of life called parenthood.
This grueling, sleepless, thankless, gray hair turning, job. Where I am daily having unmet expectations. From the spills, puking, potty accidents, the running your head into a wall kind of unmet expectations. Oh and then there is stepping on a lego to go along with it. Yes nothing is worse in a state of exhaustion or rage. And I feel like these footy pajamas and socks need a warning sign "child will fall down on wood floors". We need traction on all of our foot coverings around here.
Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Yes I must admit, I'm still writing this in a NyQuil drunken haze, so I hope that you can follow with me. No matter who you are or what is going on in your life now or looking at your past you have had things you expected to go a certain way, and interruptions come. Life happens somewhere between the bathroom and the kitchen sink.
When I reflect on Gods word and unmet expectations I'm overwhelmed with examples. From Adam to Jesus and beyond. Even Jesus was not what the Jews were expecting in a savior. That is why still to this day they still do not believe He is the Christ their Savior! He wasn't the royal "King" they were expecting. He didn't meet their expectations! When He really exceeds what we need. We wanted a bright and shining armor to save us, when we got a baby born in a barn that grew up and died on a cross for my sins. So again there is a difference between what we want and what we need. And our all knowing God certainly knows what we really need. He can also grant us what we need, like rest and eternal life.
We didn't expect a carpenter, or a manger. We didn't expect someone who conversed with "sinners". We didn't expect overturned tables or walking on water, but what we got was better than what we expected or even imagined. Through our earthly failed expectations, God intercedes with plans for something better to come. He paid our ransom. His innocent blood was shed. And that same blood covers my sin. My failures. And my failed expectations.
There is a "silver lining" in our interruptions. Like the bleeding woman was an interruption to Jesus going to heal the dying young girl. Lessons to be learned and miracles to be had in those moments. God is refining us in these moments. I've come to expect parenthood is just hard. I have to embrace the chaos and interruptions. The failed expectations I have for my children and the pressure I put on myself as a parent. I cannot be everything my kids need, because ultimately they need Jesus. Jesus is the only one who can meet our expectations. Even though He may teach us in ways we don't expect.
So embrace the unmet expectations...please just try for a moment. Some are definitely harder than others. No one expects to loose a child. Not everyone expects to outlive their spouse. Not everyone expects the cancer diagnosis. No. But through the pain, suffering, he is refining you. And he will deliver you. Deliver either from it, through it, or by it. Whatever "it" is please put it in the space below.
Father please help me through my unmet expectation of __________________________________________________________. I need you to carry the yoke on this one. I know I'm not enough for my children and those around me, so please intercede. Thank you for filling the gap that I cannot fill. Holy spirit fill me and overflow my cup. Bring me peace and goes beyond understanding. fill my heart with your love, and conscious with your fulfilled expectation of the cross. You marked my forehead. I was bought with a price. I am yours. Forgive me for limiting you and focusing only on myself. Use me today, and thank you for your comfort. Amen.
So although I woke up this morning with a haze and my wants are different than my needs there are expectations all around me. I expect my kids to get to school. I expect my power to be on and my family to live through this day. Who knows what this day brings, but I can rest in that God has it in control. And ultimately I know that no matter what happens eternity is mine. We have got to run this race(life) to win the prize (eternity in heaven).
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:14
Last night as I prepared to go to bed, I took a good cough suppressant that I had purchased earlier in the day in hopes rest would come to help make up for the night before. (night before I was awoken many times by a restless, hot, sick, coughing 2 year old and come to find out double ear infection). For a week now I've been taking NyQuil every night, and awoken in a blurry state. And as a parent of young children the amount of needs that need to be fulfilled every morning are overwhelming especially in a "drunken" state. (can I get and amen??!) So after downing the correct amount of cough suppressant I headed to bed thinking I was so smart not to take NyQuil to help my morning to come. Well and hour later somehow I am in a coughing state. And really only one side of my throat, and I'm sitting up asking why? Again? I just so badly wanted to sleeeeeep! So In a cough suppressant haze I go to the couch to sit up and on my way take a shot of NyQuil because surly I'll fall asleep. No I didn't think twice or count the hours until I would be awake, I just did it.
So morning comes and the pitter patter of feet come in when its still dark and I'm certain its the middle of the night. then a light switch flips on and two more feet come pitter pattering down the stairs. All I can think is seriously? It cannot be morning already. Now I have to admit I'm one who likes to have her sleep. To a fault. Like I don't want to get up and help my kids if I didn't get sleep. Actually its worse than that, to a selfish degree I want sleep. I would be happy if my kids could get themselves ready each day and I could just sleep. I even made a sign that says "Joy Comes in The Morning" and my husband was laughing at me because I'm not such a "joy" in the morning.
So after repeated feet coming to my room, I get to my feet and my head does not want to be upright. Immediately three kids are whining and crying over each other, and I want to turn around and bury my head back into my bed. But thats not an option. Why? Because I entered this phase of life called parenthood.
This grueling, sleepless, thankless, gray hair turning, job. Where I am daily having unmet expectations. From the spills, puking, potty accidents, the running your head into a wall kind of unmet expectations. Oh and then there is stepping on a lego to go along with it. Yes nothing is worse in a state of exhaustion or rage. And I feel like these footy pajamas and socks need a warning sign "child will fall down on wood floors". We need traction on all of our foot coverings around here.
Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Yes I must admit, I'm still writing this in a NyQuil drunken haze, so I hope that you can follow with me. No matter who you are or what is going on in your life now or looking at your past you have had things you expected to go a certain way, and interruptions come. Life happens somewhere between the bathroom and the kitchen sink.
When I reflect on Gods word and unmet expectations I'm overwhelmed with examples. From Adam to Jesus and beyond. Even Jesus was not what the Jews were expecting in a savior. That is why still to this day they still do not believe He is the Christ their Savior! He wasn't the royal "King" they were expecting. He didn't meet their expectations! When He really exceeds what we need. We wanted a bright and shining armor to save us, when we got a baby born in a barn that grew up and died on a cross for my sins. So again there is a difference between what we want and what we need. And our all knowing God certainly knows what we really need. He can also grant us what we need, like rest and eternal life.
We didn't expect a carpenter, or a manger. We didn't expect someone who conversed with "sinners". We didn't expect overturned tables or walking on water, but what we got was better than what we expected or even imagined. Through our earthly failed expectations, God intercedes with plans for something better to come. He paid our ransom. His innocent blood was shed. And that same blood covers my sin. My failures. And my failed expectations.
There is a "silver lining" in our interruptions. Like the bleeding woman was an interruption to Jesus going to heal the dying young girl. Lessons to be learned and miracles to be had in those moments. God is refining us in these moments. I've come to expect parenthood is just hard. I have to embrace the chaos and interruptions. The failed expectations I have for my children and the pressure I put on myself as a parent. I cannot be everything my kids need, because ultimately they need Jesus. Jesus is the only one who can meet our expectations. Even though He may teach us in ways we don't expect.
So embrace the unmet expectations...please just try for a moment. Some are definitely harder than others. No one expects to loose a child. Not everyone expects to outlive their spouse. Not everyone expects the cancer diagnosis. No. But through the pain, suffering, he is refining you. And he will deliver you. Deliver either from it, through it, or by it. Whatever "it" is please put it in the space below.
Father please help me through my unmet expectation of __________________________________________________________. I need you to carry the yoke on this one. I know I'm not enough for my children and those around me, so please intercede. Thank you for filling the gap that I cannot fill. Holy spirit fill me and overflow my cup. Bring me peace and goes beyond understanding. fill my heart with your love, and conscious with your fulfilled expectation of the cross. You marked my forehead. I was bought with a price. I am yours. Forgive me for limiting you and focusing only on myself. Use me today, and thank you for your comfort. Amen.
So although I woke up this morning with a haze and my wants are different than my needs there are expectations all around me. I expect my kids to get to school. I expect my power to be on and my family to live through this day. Who knows what this day brings, but I can rest in that God has it in control. And ultimately I know that no matter what happens eternity is mine. We have got to run this race(life) to win the prize (eternity in heaven).
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:14
Friday, October 23, 2015
Sex, The Invisible Bond
Yeah, I said it, sex. But more specifically intimacy and the invisible bond we create with those we are intimate with. This post may not relate to you specifically unless you had sex before marriage or were sexually molested or assaulted. If you don't fall into these categories congratulations you are about 5% of American population (according to truthdig.com). So I feel I'm talking to the majority, and trust me it matters. If you are part of that 5%, well done! But I do want to throw glitter on those of you who waited, seriously impressive.
I'm not going to go into all the details why we shouldn't have sex before marriage, that is for another post I'll have for youth (your daughter perhaps), but if you had premarital sex (with a partner other than your spouse) I'm sure you may already know. You know what its like to walk down the aisle wishing you had saved yourself for that man standing in front of you. You know the shame, regret, and insecurity you have felt. Plus the loss of Oxytocin. Yes, yes it is actually scientific! We have a hormone (go ahead and google it) called Oxytocin that plays a huge role in intimacy. It increases when aroused, and evokes feeling of contentment, reductions of anxiety, feelings of calmness and security when in the company of a mate. God created this amazing hormone to have the highest level of intimacy possible with our spouse, not anyone before. But in our world of chaos & anxiety its NO WONDER people want this feeling and find it through intimacy. We bypass our self-control and what our flesh desires, therefore loosing oxytocin with partners other than waiting for our spouse.
Oxytocin creates a bond between you and who you are intimate with. Which is why its so important to hold back with any sexual acts before marriage. Its an invisible bond, that is why you still may think and have feelings for past partners. It is a bond that makes you feel loved, what we search for when we are lost, beaten and broken. This is the power of sex. This is also the power of God. God created Oxytocin, God created sex, but he created it to be between one man and one woman in marriage. (I may have lost some of you there, but I still love homosexuals. No different than me and my sinful self)A BEAUTIFUL thing! Just read Song of Songs!
Which brings me to a verse I have always found to be profound. I was raised in a Christian home, knowing full well God didn't want me having sex before marriage and I always wanted to follow Gods rules. Some rules I thought were more important than others, and for some reason the three bad ones in my teenage mind were sex, drugs, and alcohol. So I craved verses that would tell me rules and why like 1 Corinthians 6:19-20;
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
YOU yes YOU were bought at a price! Jesus died on the cross for YOU. His blood covers YOU. This means he will carry your burden of shame, guilt, worthlessness. That verse also says, you are not your own! Wow!! We are children of God, we are His and he wants to take care of us, just like you would of your own child.
I felt so worthless after I was raped. I had lost my virginity and the one thing that I thought left me with an ounce of dignity. So VERY unfortunately I reacted like many victims do. I went relationship to relationship with a very hard heart, and kept seeking this oxytocin "high" that was no longer the same. I did the exact things I didn't want to do, and here I'll finally share the verse that is so profound to me to this day;
Galatians 5:7
"For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not to do what you want."
SERIOUSLY!!?? BLOWS my mind!!! Are you grasping this? My body wants to do what is opposite of my sinful desires, and I do exactly what I don't want to do. It is so frustrating. I'm telling you I'm a professional sinner. Yep, daily throughout my day I do exactly what I often set out not to do. I fail. And when I failed before marriage it had some large consequences.
Oxytocin is also something that you give away. When you have this bond, you have given a piece of you away. 1st Corinthians 6:18 says "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body." So what this is saying is that it is the one sin that not only sins against God, but against yourself. Double whammy. Double consequence. Double shame. Now I keep bringing up words like shame and guilt because I was entrapped by them. They created my feelings of worthlessness and hardened heart. It created a sin cycle that left me on auto pilot sin and darkness. I honestly have about a year of my life I don't remember a lot of because I was in such a dark place. I was so numb I had no feeling. Men were telling me they loved me and I had no feeling for them. And I was looking, searching for love, I had even found it but it wasn't enough. Jesus was knocking, and I was running in shame.
My story reminds me so much of Eve. She was dangled that beautiful fruit being told "surely you won't die", she saw it was "good","pleasing to the eye" and sinned, and then immediately hid from God. She was so ashamed. We do exactly the same. We gain this knowledge like Eve did when we are intimate before marriage that we wish we didn't have because we still could have been living in the "Garden of Eden". Sinless, blameless. Doesn't that sound wonderful. Well I have good news. Through Jesus Christ you can be blameless in his sight. Jesus stands in the gap between you and God. God see's his perfect son Jesus and not you.
So I could write another 10 blogs on this but whats important is healing through this.
1. Become aware. You have to realize you sinned. Confront your past, and you may need to do it head on. Its like open heart surgery. There is pain, and a scar to prove it, but you will be given a new heart.
2. Confess your sin. This is how we "clean house" and get rid of our junk. He just wants us to say sorry and give it to him. He knows your heart, which also means you need to mean it. Matt 7:7 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." If it is in His will, and trust me freedom is in His will he will give it to you.
3. You need to receive Christs blood, and visualize his blood covering your sexual past. He wants to take that yoke upon HIM. He wants to carry our burden. YES again the guilt, shame, pain, anger (a whole other topic especially for those of you violated. You are not worthless. You were bought at a price, it says that above in Corinthians. He paid for you with his blood and wants you, all of you. Even the dirt. There is nothing you can or could have done for Him to love you less.
4. Work out your anger. And come to find out, yes there is anger. pray about it if you don't think you have anger. I didn't think I was mad and I was. Write anger letters with "I feel" statements.
5. Forgive. Forgive your past partners (YES also abusers, IF you don't you are holding on to them. Let them GO, it is the best thing you can EVER do for yourself and the). The hardest part for me in this process was forgiving myself. I couldn't take the blame off myself for my stupid, stupid mistakes.
6. Pray, Read Gods word, come to Him, go to counseling. I am not a professional counselor, so seek it.
7. Find community. The more I share my story, the more I find more and more people who can relate. Sex is often a "hush, hush" topic, when it is pertinent to a healthy marriage. Which brings me to
8. Work on intimacy in your marriage. This is a huge deal for your marriage and has huge consequences from previous sin. Sex with your husband is meant to be the highest level of intimacy that God so beautifully created. This will be a result to the healing steps above, honestly. My life has changed in way more ways than one from my healing. wink wink ;)
This is the whole reason behind the ashes2crowns name. God turned my dirty ashes into crowns of beauty. Isaiah 61:3
If you have resonated with this PLEASE share with others, and please don't hesitate to email or ask questions! Lastly PLEASE read The Invisible Bond by Barbara Wilson. The study could change your life. Well ultimately God will, but through the study He changed mine. Love ya!
Check Ashes2crowns out of facebook and @suzanneholling on twitter.
I'm not going to go into all the details why we shouldn't have sex before marriage, that is for another post I'll have for youth (your daughter perhaps), but if you had premarital sex (with a partner other than your spouse) I'm sure you may already know. You know what its like to walk down the aisle wishing you had saved yourself for that man standing in front of you. You know the shame, regret, and insecurity you have felt. Plus the loss of Oxytocin. Yes, yes it is actually scientific! We have a hormone (go ahead and google it) called Oxytocin that plays a huge role in intimacy. It increases when aroused, and evokes feeling of contentment, reductions of anxiety, feelings of calmness and security when in the company of a mate. God created this amazing hormone to have the highest level of intimacy possible with our spouse, not anyone before. But in our world of chaos & anxiety its NO WONDER people want this feeling and find it through intimacy. We bypass our self-control and what our flesh desires, therefore loosing oxytocin with partners other than waiting for our spouse.
Oxytocin creates a bond between you and who you are intimate with. Which is why its so important to hold back with any sexual acts before marriage. Its an invisible bond, that is why you still may think and have feelings for past partners. It is a bond that makes you feel loved, what we search for when we are lost, beaten and broken. This is the power of sex. This is also the power of God. God created Oxytocin, God created sex, but he created it to be between one man and one woman in marriage. (I may have lost some of you there, but I still love homosexuals. No different than me and my sinful self)A BEAUTIFUL thing! Just read Song of Songs!
Which brings me to a verse I have always found to be profound. I was raised in a Christian home, knowing full well God didn't want me having sex before marriage and I always wanted to follow Gods rules. Some rules I thought were more important than others, and for some reason the three bad ones in my teenage mind were sex, drugs, and alcohol. So I craved verses that would tell me rules and why like 1 Corinthians 6:19-20;
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
YOU yes YOU were bought at a price! Jesus died on the cross for YOU. His blood covers YOU. This means he will carry your burden of shame, guilt, worthlessness. That verse also says, you are not your own! Wow!! We are children of God, we are His and he wants to take care of us, just like you would of your own child.
I felt so worthless after I was raped. I had lost my virginity and the one thing that I thought left me with an ounce of dignity. So VERY unfortunately I reacted like many victims do. I went relationship to relationship with a very hard heart, and kept seeking this oxytocin "high" that was no longer the same. I did the exact things I didn't want to do, and here I'll finally share the verse that is so profound to me to this day;
Galatians 5:7
"For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not to do what you want."
SERIOUSLY!!?? BLOWS my mind!!! Are you grasping this? My body wants to do what is opposite of my sinful desires, and I do exactly what I don't want to do. It is so frustrating. I'm telling you I'm a professional sinner. Yep, daily throughout my day I do exactly what I often set out not to do. I fail. And when I failed before marriage it had some large consequences.
Oxytocin is also something that you give away. When you have this bond, you have given a piece of you away. 1st Corinthians 6:18 says "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body." So what this is saying is that it is the one sin that not only sins against God, but against yourself. Double whammy. Double consequence. Double shame. Now I keep bringing up words like shame and guilt because I was entrapped by them. They created my feelings of worthlessness and hardened heart. It created a sin cycle that left me on auto pilot sin and darkness. I honestly have about a year of my life I don't remember a lot of because I was in such a dark place. I was so numb I had no feeling. Men were telling me they loved me and I had no feeling for them. And I was looking, searching for love, I had even found it but it wasn't enough. Jesus was knocking, and I was running in shame.
My story reminds me so much of Eve. She was dangled that beautiful fruit being told "surely you won't die", she saw it was "good","pleasing to the eye" and sinned, and then immediately hid from God. She was so ashamed. We do exactly the same. We gain this knowledge like Eve did when we are intimate before marriage that we wish we didn't have because we still could have been living in the "Garden of Eden". Sinless, blameless. Doesn't that sound wonderful. Well I have good news. Through Jesus Christ you can be blameless in his sight. Jesus stands in the gap between you and God. God see's his perfect son Jesus and not you.
So I could write another 10 blogs on this but whats important is healing through this.
1. Become aware. You have to realize you sinned. Confront your past, and you may need to do it head on. Its like open heart surgery. There is pain, and a scar to prove it, but you will be given a new heart.
2. Confess your sin. This is how we "clean house" and get rid of our junk. He just wants us to say sorry and give it to him. He knows your heart, which also means you need to mean it. Matt 7:7 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." If it is in His will, and trust me freedom is in His will he will give it to you.
3. You need to receive Christs blood, and visualize his blood covering your sexual past. He wants to take that yoke upon HIM. He wants to carry our burden. YES again the guilt, shame, pain, anger (a whole other topic especially for those of you violated. You are not worthless. You were bought at a price, it says that above in Corinthians. He paid for you with his blood and wants you, all of you. Even the dirt. There is nothing you can or could have done for Him to love you less.
4. Work out your anger. And come to find out, yes there is anger. pray about it if you don't think you have anger. I didn't think I was mad and I was. Write anger letters with "I feel" statements.
5. Forgive. Forgive your past partners (YES also abusers, IF you don't you are holding on to them. Let them GO, it is the best thing you can EVER do for yourself and the). The hardest part for me in this process was forgiving myself. I couldn't take the blame off myself for my stupid, stupid mistakes.
6. Pray, Read Gods word, come to Him, go to counseling. I am not a professional counselor, so seek it.
7. Find community. The more I share my story, the more I find more and more people who can relate. Sex is often a "hush, hush" topic, when it is pertinent to a healthy marriage. Which brings me to
8. Work on intimacy in your marriage. This is a huge deal for your marriage and has huge consequences from previous sin. Sex with your husband is meant to be the highest level of intimacy that God so beautifully created. This will be a result to the healing steps above, honestly. My life has changed in way more ways than one from my healing. wink wink ;)
This is the whole reason behind the ashes2crowns name. God turned my dirty ashes into crowns of beauty. Isaiah 61:3
If you have resonated with this PLEASE share with others, and please don't hesitate to email or ask questions! Lastly PLEASE read The Invisible Bond by Barbara Wilson. The study could change your life. Well ultimately God will, but through the study He changed mine. Love ya!
Check Ashes2crowns out of facebook and @suzanneholling on twitter.
Friday, October 16, 2015
The Storm
Isaiah 43:2
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."
I have friends and friends children that have been diagnosed with cancer that "doesn't look good". I wake up in bed to hear a confession that my child has been to "re-focus" at school three times already this year. No one shows to Sunday Night Bible study. Helpers, but not expected youth come to Youth breakfast ministry. Feel like I'm failing my husband and family as he comes home with stressful job changes. Cannot get ahead on cleaning/organizing my home. More friends are loosing babies. More friends being taken over by fear and anxiety. Big pink elephants in the middle of rooms that no one wants to talk about. The largest ministry I help serve with 100 moms I feel like I'm failing as a leader. I feel defeated in leadership conflict. Husbands grandpa died, and I didn't even get to mourn yet because of another crazy day with children and missed the funeral. I read the news and want to weep. My heart aches for the lost. I Feel enclosed by darkness. The enemy is trying to bring me down in every aspect and ministry in my life. But God is still constant. I'm learning to find joy, celebration and thankfulness in the storm.
I often feel like I'm standing in the middle of a firing range. But I'm choosing to celebrate because God is refining me in the fire. I woke up at 3am the other morning with an epiphany that through the storms I wrote above God is actually answering my prayer. For months I have been praying for true humility. And I truly believe through everything that I feel that I'm "failing" at, God is refining me. I'm at a new level of feeling humble and wanting to serve. When I'm put in the place where I am reminded that I'm truly no better than anyone around me, I want to serve more. I don't deserve Jesus. I didn't deserve the cross. I don't deserve forgiveness, but Jesus has freely given it to me. Humbling? Yes.
I don't "deserve" the storm, but what if I didn't have it? God wouldn't be teaching me this lesson. I want to be refined don't you? And then I think, man this storm really sucks. YES, absolutely I don't want to downplay the crap in your life, but I hope I'm being clear in that there is hope, a silver lining. Sun after the rain, and we may even look at the sun differently after that rain. I'm so humbled that God is so much bigger than I can even understand.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I fully realize I'm living first world storms, and I'm constantly able to take a step back and realize how blessed I am. We still have running water. We don't have bomb shells flying over our heads. I can go to church and worship freely. I can go to a public place without the fear of being killed by terrorists. But my point is we have daily struggles, fears, anxieties, let downs, illness, and failures that are our storms, and bring us down. We can be crippled by our pain, or choose to rejoice in the process of refining. Humbling? Yes.
Until recently I still had a thorn in my side when I thought of my past sexual violators. When and if their names or family members would come up I would cringe. So I received a word from God to contact them. To tell them I forgave them. To completely clean the slate, which brought me more freedom. I no longer cringe, but pray for them. I pray they and their families will come to Christ, and find a new freedom in HIM. I also asked for their forgiveness because I let myself into some bad situations, and didn't fight for myself like I should have. Humbling to ask their forgiveness? Yes. Freedom and refining as a result? Absolutely!
Giving thanks and praise in the storm has brought me new joy, and this is my prayer for you. Choose joy my friend. Even a good weeping can cleanse the soul. Breath out the bad, inhale the good. Breath in the Holy Spirit, and exhale the evil spirits saying "you aren't good enough", or the ones bringing you fear. In the name of Jesus cast out those demons. Claim it. You are good enough. God made you just right because he doesn't make mistakes. He is perfect although we are not, so take His yoke upon you.
James 1:2
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,"
You may be in this time of trial, Praying you find peace, joy, and refinement. Much Love! xoxo
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Boxed
I was so so blessed to attend a fabulous retreat this past weekend with fellow sisters in Christ. I think we all need retreats and times, and I'm especially grateful with small children! Time away gives me fresh perspective as a parent and wife, and I come home filled and ready to love on my family. After my spirit filled "drenched" weekend here is what God has for me to share so pull up a chair and get ready for a challenge. for this story I'm going to use the term "box" which may take on different meanings for all of us so bear with my analogy.
I fully believe that whether you are Christian or not if you step out of your comfort zone you are therefore stretched, and you grow. As a Christian (Christ follower, Bible Believer) I want to be stretched to draw nearer to God...but this means stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't think during Paul's ministry he was ever comfortable, and he, with God, changed the world.
I think we put God in a box. We take him out when we are comfortable like bible study, church, And quiet time, yet when it seems uncomfortable we put him in our "box" and shut him in. But what's crazy still is in these places even church we keep our mouths shut, our hands next to our side, sit and stand only when prompted...and woe to the person dancing, kneeling or raising their hands in worship and praise. We are so afraid of being judged or becoming that "crazy Christian" that we refuse to step out of our box even in worship when we are there to worship together. Now I'm not saying all congregations are like this, but my conservative upbringing and present situation aren't comfortable or have not been exposed to different types of worship. We also are so afraid of turning someone away from Jesus that we better not get too "crazy" or we will scare them. Souls are won because of Jesus. Because of Gods love for us, because of the cross and His blood that covers our sin. We the church scare more people away because of our human sinful nature than being filled with the spirit, praising and admonishing Him.
People are drawn to Jesus. People as a whole are hurting and longing to be loved. God is love therefore if He is in us (accepted Him as your Lord and Savior) His love will transfer through you to others. Have you ever just been drawn to people and just want to be around them? They have a glow and are truly interested in YOU? This is God in them. God is interested in YOU and constantly wants to be closer to you. He wants to love on you, that is why we are drawn to such people.
Ok sorry I went off track a bit. At a youth retreat my brother, Mark once did this "skit" that has always left an impact on me. Mark starts off sitting at a table, in a quiet environment with his bible on the table. Mark prays and another person enters the room as a symbol of Jesus. Mark opens his bible and starts to spend time with Jesus. Marks cell phone rings and he starts ignoring Jesus, Mark is invited to go somewhere else so he starts to pack up to leave. Jesus then tries to follow Mark out the door because he still wants to hang out. Mark isn't so impressed and tells Jesus to stay home. Jesus continues to follow Mark, and Mark gets more and more upset trying to push Jesus back. Mark ends up getting so upset because he wants to leave without Jesus that he nails him back up onto a cross so he will stay. Then Mark walks out leaving Jesus on the cross.
I'm may not have given the skit justice because it is really powerful. I share it because it really explains how we keep God/Jesus/Holy Spirit in a box. We take them out when we are comfortable. We hang Him back on the cross, when He is alive and wants to be with us. He is to be shared. We aren't being stretched because we aren't stepping out of our comfort zones. He wants to be with us all the time. In our conversations people! and Everywhere we go.
He commissions us to "Go and make disciples" we arent dicipling if we keep Jesus in a box. Preaching to myself here friends. I get this nudge from God just to talk to people and I don't because I'm afraid of rejection. All God wants me to do is love on them, and I fail him constantly. He is commissioning us to do more.
So get stretched, whether it's raising your hands at church, bringing a meal to someone in need, making a phone call to a hurting friend, saying sorry, asking someone you don't know what they are passionate about...the list goes on. Where in your life is God in a box? Are you leaving him at home or at church?
I fully believe that whether you are Christian or not if you step out of your comfort zone you are therefore stretched, and you grow. As a Christian (Christ follower, Bible Believer) I want to be stretched to draw nearer to God...but this means stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't think during Paul's ministry he was ever comfortable, and he, with God, changed the world.
I think we put God in a box. We take him out when we are comfortable like bible study, church, And quiet time, yet when it seems uncomfortable we put him in our "box" and shut him in. But what's crazy still is in these places even church we keep our mouths shut, our hands next to our side, sit and stand only when prompted...and woe to the person dancing, kneeling or raising their hands in worship and praise. We are so afraid of being judged or becoming that "crazy Christian" that we refuse to step out of our box even in worship when we are there to worship together. Now I'm not saying all congregations are like this, but my conservative upbringing and present situation aren't comfortable or have not been exposed to different types of worship. We also are so afraid of turning someone away from Jesus that we better not get too "crazy" or we will scare them. Souls are won because of Jesus. Because of Gods love for us, because of the cross and His blood that covers our sin. We the church scare more people away because of our human sinful nature than being filled with the spirit, praising and admonishing Him.
People are drawn to Jesus. People as a whole are hurting and longing to be loved. God is love therefore if He is in us (accepted Him as your Lord and Savior) His love will transfer through you to others. Have you ever just been drawn to people and just want to be around them? They have a glow and are truly interested in YOU? This is God in them. God is interested in YOU and constantly wants to be closer to you. He wants to love on you, that is why we are drawn to such people.
Ok sorry I went off track a bit. At a youth retreat my brother, Mark once did this "skit" that has always left an impact on me. Mark starts off sitting at a table, in a quiet environment with his bible on the table. Mark prays and another person enters the room as a symbol of Jesus. Mark opens his bible and starts to spend time with Jesus. Marks cell phone rings and he starts ignoring Jesus, Mark is invited to go somewhere else so he starts to pack up to leave. Jesus then tries to follow Mark out the door because he still wants to hang out. Mark isn't so impressed and tells Jesus to stay home. Jesus continues to follow Mark, and Mark gets more and more upset trying to push Jesus back. Mark ends up getting so upset because he wants to leave without Jesus that he nails him back up onto a cross so he will stay. Then Mark walks out leaving Jesus on the cross.
I'm may not have given the skit justice because it is really powerful. I share it because it really explains how we keep God/Jesus/Holy Spirit in a box. We take them out when we are comfortable. We hang Him back on the cross, when He is alive and wants to be with us. He is to be shared. We aren't being stretched because we aren't stepping out of our comfort zones. He wants to be with us all the time. In our conversations people! and Everywhere we go.
He commissions us to "Go and make disciples" we arent dicipling if we keep Jesus in a box. Preaching to myself here friends. I get this nudge from God just to talk to people and I don't because I'm afraid of rejection. All God wants me to do is love on them, and I fail him constantly. He is commissioning us to do more.
So get stretched, whether it's raising your hands at church, bringing a meal to someone in need, making a phone call to a hurting friend, saying sorry, asking someone you don't know what they are passionate about...the list goes on. Where in your life is God in a box? Are you leaving him at home or at church?
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