My Ashes

I started this blog intending to share my story in hopes that God will use it to help others. The more I share "my ashes" the more I hear about others "ashes". God not only forgives but he HEALS, cleanses and turns our ashes into crowns of beauty. No matter how "dirty" our ashes are. And truly my story is now God's story.

I buried parts of my life for 25 years. Because I didn't want to face it. If I shove it away and pretend its not there and maybe it will go away. It reminds me of my children covering their eyes as if I can't see them because they can't see me. I think when we shove things back we are the child covering our eyes huddled up in the corner, while God is next to us seeing all of us, just waiting to embrace us. But we can't see him with his arms wide open if we don't uncover our eyes. He wants to hold you, and love you, just as you are. You are beautiful just as you are. He doesn't make mistakes, and His blood covers EVERYTHING.

When I was young an older boy touched me inappropriately. Technically this is called molestation, but I never wanted to pin that word on me or the other person. I'm getting super honest here so if you are going to judge, please just don't tell me. I liked the attention. GASP. Yes. An older boy giving me attention and a sensation that made me feel loved that God intended for marriage....that I was getting at the age of approximately 7. Writing this is breaks my heart looking back at that little girl. I was embarrassed, shamed, feeling guilty. I didn't fight for myself. I now as a mom communicate with my children to fight for their private parts God intended for marriage, and if (besides parents/dr) anyone touches them inappropriately you ask them to stop. If they don't, you kick, you scream, you punch them in the face. You fight. (they always giggle that they have permission to punch someone in the face) Please instill this in your children. I didn't fight. I was confused. So you could say this screwed me up a bit, but I covered my eyes. I don't remember how many times it happened because my memory is blurred.

throughout elementary, jr high and high school I continued to seek attention from boys. I was craving the oxytocin that I had once had as a small child. As a girl I felt empowered, and beautiful by getting attention from boys. Instead of finding my identity in Christ and being empowered by the holy spirit I was using peoples opinions and the world to control me. Granted I grew up in a Christian home, accepted Christ at a young age, and had many camp "high's", I still was trying to do everything on my own. Galatians 3:3 says "Are you so foolish? Although you began with the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by human effort?" yep that was me. Foolish. But I still craved Jesus. I had his spirit inside me, I just didn't know how to use it. My head had the knowledge of God, but my heart was hard. So after feeling totally shunned by girls as a whole, I sought attention from boys. I went boyfriend to boyfriend, but at some point had promised God I would save my virginity for marriage.

I felt called to ministry at a very young age, teaching others as long as I remember. So, heading to college I naturally became a Young Life leader. (Awesome youth ministry btw) Although I felt called, and passionately wanted to share Christ with the world, I was in no spiritual condition to be teaching/mentoring others. But God had changed me and I wanted others to experience his joy. During this time I battled the world and life in Christ. I wanted to please God, but I also wanted to please those around me...including boys. Drinking was fun, but yes it often led to kissing more boys. One December evening my freshman year I had been drinking and got an invite to a (cute)boys house. Seemed like a good idea at the time so I went. One thing led to another and after verbally saying "no I have never had sex, and I don't want to have sex" I found myself up against a bed with a man having sex with me. I became instantly numb. My heart hardened like never before. Again, technically this is called date rape, but I didn't pin that term on it for years. I questioned was it really rape? I mean, I went willingly to his house and was yes going too far with him, so wasn't this my fault? Guilt, shame, regret, and feeling dirty overwhelmed me. I had lost my virginity, my one special gift for my husband. Now what? Well girls usually react one of two ways after this. and full of regret creating more shame/regret I started sleeping with men I didn't care much for. Again, I still always seemed to have a boyfriend, but at this point I was completely numb. Men were telling me they loved me and I had no feeling back. I may have said it back, but only so they would feel better. Unhealthy relationships lasted about two years and then I THANK GOD, got a slap from God. (Thank you Jill Brower) Instead of trying to do everything by human effort I learned about the holy spirit in a new way, and a wave of my head knowledge flooded my heart. I was reborn. If you read 1st Corinthians 2:9-3:3 you will read about the spirit in us. I was that worldly christian Paul is talking about. I finally was set free by finally not trying to do everything on my own. I started relying on Jesus, and my life was changed. If you haven't, its amazing the simplicity of it. He wants us to let go.


I became addicted to Jesus. Ministry truly became my passion, and I wanted nothing more than to win more souls for Jesus. One of the best chapters in my life was dating Jesus instead of a man. Matt 28:19-20 God's greatest command/commission became my commission. Parts of my story were told here and there, but it wasn't until the last year and a half that I have been facing it head on. Finally years later dealing with it. The bible says God not only forgives, but he heals. He truly turns our ashes into beauty. I have been set free by the blood of Christ and all my filthy mistakes and feelings of shame can be taken away. This is a process I will be dealing with until I enter heaven. living and dealing with these regrets still haunt me, but I claim Gods word, forgiveness, healing and love for myself.


We all have wounds. We all have our life story and where we may fall among the seeds that landed in the parable in Matthew chapter 13. God brought me through the trenches so I would come back to him. If my ashes can help lead others to Christ, I'm all in. Christ purposefully embraced all the pain necessary so that our healing would be complete. He loves me. And it has nothing to do with who I am, how i think, or what I have done. Its because of who He is. He loves me because He chooses to, not because I've earned it. Now that's love. That's the love I want to receive daily.


You may ask if I doubt Gods presence in my time of darkness and I do not. He was always pursuing me. He was always there-I just wasn't listening. I was huddled up in the corner with my hands over my eyes and he wanted nothing more than to tell me I was forgiven and wrap His loving arms around me.


It never ceases to amaze me how death brings new life. From seeds sown in the ground, to Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. As I confess my sins each day I have to die to my sinful flesh, be cleansed, renewed and new life is given. My healing journey continues, and my faith has not been stronger. He is my refuge and my strength. I am a new creation, and my identity is in Christ. Not in my past. Please share this with any friends who you think may be struggling, feeling empty, unfulfilled or broken. I pray it brings change and hope. That is why I share my ashes with you.



Thank you Lord for your love. For dying for me. Thank you for healing me and setting me free, and for pulling me out of the corner and holding me tight. Whoever is reading this here in this moment please help them know you and that you are real and you heal the worst of wounds. You are amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Amen.

Inadequate

As I feel the nudge to start writing a blog I feel totally inadequate. Inadequate because I really am. I'm not a perfect mom,leader, wife, friend, daughter or sister. But the good news is none of us are or will be. It creates a reliance on God to fill the gaps. My husband (amazing as he is I was reminded this week) will never fulfill all my needs. As I will also never fulfill all of his. Only through Jesus Christ my Savior whose wounds healed me will I ever feel fulfilled.

I find myself wanting to be like others who I see Jesus shining through, when Jesus just wants me to know he has always been by my side and has me just where he wants me. Even as I sit here writing with one child on my lap and the other two begging for attention I know I'm totally inadequate to meet each of their needs. Frustrating? Yes. As these little miracle monsters entered my life I have never felt more inadequate, which forces more reliance on God. I have to pray more throughout my day so I don't rip my 3 year old's head off in my moments of weakness or anger. I have to ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit so HE is leading me. NOT me. We have to ask to be dead to ourselves, and completely filled with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. His word says that we will have what we have asked of Him if it is in His will. I'm certain if you ask Him to be filled you will have what you have asked of him.

My life is still messy on a daily basis, but I have hope in the Lord. I have His grace that is more than sufficient for me. I just have to accept it, which I think is for some reason the hardest part. Even though I mess up, God still sent Jesus to die for ME and YES YOU! His only son. I cannot imagine sacrificing one of my children for anyone else on this planet. We cannot even fathom this Love he has for us. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind has even conceived what He has in store for those who love him" That verse blows my mind every time I hear it. So instead of feeling inadequate I urge you to journey with God with me. This journey in truly accepting Him as your Savior, and that His grace IS more than enough to cover all the horrible mistakes we have made in our lives. Journey through our inadequacies. To cover our guilt, shame and regret with Jesus' blood. That is why He died, we simply have to believe and accept. Its a free gift. The best gift you could ever open and accept as your own.

So lets trade our ugly ashes in for a crown of beauty. Have gladness instead of mourning. Put on a garment of praise instead of despair, and we will be called oaks of righteousness. How cool is that? We can be set free. We can be released from darkness. Lets turn our inadequacies to Gods glory!


"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to BESTOW ON THEM A CROWN OF BEAUTY INSTEAD OF ASHES, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be Called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3