Ok here goes. And please read in entirety because God is a God of redemption, insane love, and freedom.
Recently a sex ed bill passed which plans to teach our children about sex at school. What I want to explain here is what the curriculum will not, because Jesus and freedom from the past are not taught in our public system. They will only teach that consequences of pre-marital sex are pregnancy and STD's. What I want to tell you there is much, much more. There are consequences that are not only physical but mental, spiritual, and soul wounding.
I longed for an article like this when I was a teenager. I wanted to know why over and over again WHY I should choose to remain abstinent. (which if you have read my story you know I totally failed at this, so I've been there if you have already messed up. I get it). I needed a cheerleader. Someone to affirm my beliefs of what I believe the Bible to say is true. I wanted to be told why not to have sex.
I can't help but relate to Eve. She saw the shiny (ok maybe not shiny) delicious looking fruit that she longed to have and know more. She wanted the pleasure and the experience and the "feeling of love". We as humans long to be loved and we do go looking for it in the wrong places..which is often other humans not the God who created us. The apple was a trick. Genesis says the snake was "crafty" He knew just how to twist the truth into a lie. He is a liar. Once she ate of it Eve felt ashamed, and guilty. Plus a whole bunch of other bad things that happened but I want to focus on her feelings. After she ate the fruit she hid from God. Why do we hide?? Yes we are either afraid or ashamed when we sin. Kids even do this when they poop their pants. She felt awful.
This was my experience. I was even date-raped when I lost my virginity but still felt incredible guilt. Even as a victim I felt like it was all my fault for getting in the situation. A wall of shame came over me. It darkened my heart, and blocked my ears to hear Gods truth about me. I felt worthless. I was so ashamed I continued the behavior because I no longer thought I was worth it. Even Dr. Donald Joy in his book Re-Bonding: Preventing and Restoring Damaged Relationships suggests that because sexual intercourse is an intense bonding experience between two partners, it feeds a desire to repeat the act in order to feel nurtured again. When one illicit sexual relationship ends and another begins, the couple progresses rapidly to sexual intimacy in order to recreate the bonding they've come to expect. When having sex outside of marriage is true intimacy-we look to sex to provide the closeness and love that we are longing for." It really messed me up. Partially yes because of the rape, but my behavior continued in a super embarrassing and shameful way of continuing to sleep with men...sometimes men I barely knew.
We all have a desire for intimacy. But we have been created to have intimacy with God. When I see how much he loves and lavishes on me I don't desire to find that from other people. The time I lost my virginity I entered into the deepest darkest time of my life, and my heart actually hurts just writing this. My chest is tightening. This is the passion I have for you, and the deep anguish I feel for you and for the precious gift God has for you. Yes your virginity is a precious gift.
1 Corinthians 6:18 says "flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside of his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." Sexual sin is not worse than other sins, but it is different. Its a sin that we commit against ourselves. And I want you to know right now you can be free from the sexual baggage and bonds you may have already created. I'm saying any type of sexual touch. This doesn't have to even be intercourse to have bonded. Jesus came to set you free. His blood covers you! It is finished! You can drop your chains right now and receive His crazy never ending love and affection and forgiveness. There is grace! But I'm telling you this also if you haven't already made these bonds that it truly affects you to your core.
Ok I'm going to quote from a book that I think all teenagers should read..and if you have had sex before marriage you too. Its called "The invisible Bond" or "Kiss me Again" by Barbara Wilson its how to break free from your sexual past and she goes in depth but it impacted me so much I must share some of it with you;
"Did you know that your brain is your most important sex organ? Physiologically, everything that happens to us sexually begins in the brain. Thats where arousal and desire originate, and its where the physical ability to act on that arousal is commanded. Dr. Douglass Weiss, a noted expert on sexual addiction and porn, has researched the brain and sex and provides us with incredible insight about how we become bonded sexually. As with all organs in our body, the brain has chemical needs. Two of the chemicals that the brain produces and releases are endorphins and enkephalins. These chemicals act as natural pain relievers, They also give one an incredible sense of well-being."
"There are several pathways by which these chemicals are released in the brain, just like the "runners high". If a runner pushes through the pain and wall of exhaustion the result is a burst of energy, as though the race had just begun. The reason is the release of endorphins and enkephalins into the bloodstream. Other pathways are not as well known but I'm sure you have experienced some like creative expression, artistic expression, intimate conversation, or sexual release. For many the temptation to use repeatedly only only one pathway to release these chemicals can cause unbalanced living. I think this is one of the reasons we see people addicted to various activities such as working, shopping and sex. Pavlov even conditioned his dogs showing your brain bonds with your trigger like the bell and them salivating."
"Another hormone our body produces is a hormone called oxytocin. It is released in our brains when we have sex. This is another example of illustrating Gods design for lifelong bonding to one person among humans. It is produces in the pituitary gland, and we experience high levels of it in three types of circumstances; during labor& delivery, while breastfeeding and during sexual arousal and release. A study by Dr Erick J. Keroack and Dr. John R Diggs Jr of Medical Abstinence Council showed that sex was directly related to high brain levels of oxytocin. New data also supported the theory that this hormone plays a key role in human attachments. Scientific studies show the levels of oxytocin rose threefold in men during erection and orgasm, but if oxytocin-blocking agents were used, the sexual sensations and feelings were blocked as well. The men were able to "complete the task" but without any sexual desire attached to the event. Doctors Keroack and Diggs suggest that this is why men who damage their bonding mechanism through casual sex are less able to form lifetime commitments to their mates."
"Another interesting finding was that oxytocin inhibits the development of tolerance in opiate receptors in the brain. Remember the endorphins and enkephalins? Well that "wow" feeling from sex is partially created by these chemicals. But as the relationship matures fewer endorphins are released so the effect decreases. Just like when someone takes an addictive drug. As time goes on you need a higher dose. But whats fascinating about oxytocin is that if a sexual relationship is well bonded, the oxytocin response helps maintain the "wow" even though fewer endorphins are released. Oxytocin can help keep the love alive, long into the relationship. unfortunately, people who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the powers of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual. because just as in heroin addiction, when the receptors become accustomed to a certain level of endorphins, the absence of oxytocin, the person involved will experience "sex withdrawal", and will need to move on two "new and more exciting" things/people. This is how sex addiction happen the endorphins and enkephalins that are released are addicting. God designed oxytocin to ensure that we want to repeat it with the same person, our spouse thereby protecting us from becoming sexually addicted. Sounds like a perfect plan, doesn't it?"
Isn't this mind boggling? That oxytocin is like our sex "super glue" to our spouse and when we dump it out early we don't have the same glue bond for our marriage!
This book goes on and on with other examples about how God created us for one person. There is a whole section on Porn, I'm not going to go there but fully believe it is the greatest evil the human race has ever known. When we have sex outside of marriage our hearts are damaged, we become much more insecure, and seek out love and attention from people to fill our "love tank" that God wants to fill. Even a Gallup poll done in 1996 surveyed that the number one reason teen relationships break up is because the partners have had sex. "If the desires for commitment created by the sex are not fulfilled, partners in the relationship can come to resent one another." You feel abandoned and alone.
There are deep soul ties and wounds from sex outside of marriage. The guilt cripples and spins you into the sin cycle. There is a reason God gives us rules, he wants to protect you, and when you go outside of His will there are consequences. Emotionally, spiritually, and physical consequences.
There are many many more bible verses I could pull out in support of God wanting you to be modest and save yourself for marriage, but if you are reading this you have google at your touch and you can look more up. I highlighted them in high school just so I would be able to see them clearly to hold onto them.
Here is incredibly good news if you have already broken a sexual covenant with God. God can repair and give you a new heart. He is all powerful and can break the bonds of sex AND repair your love glue oxytocin. Here are steps to freedom;
1. You need to surrender your life to God. Relinquish. Let go of control. This is hard but God wants you to give it to Him. Luke 9:24 " Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, whoever looses his life for me will save it." We must choose to surrender. He has his arms wide open right in front of you.
2. You need true repentance. The greatest benefit of being broken, is that is where we are the most moldable. It softens our hearts and realigns our direction and purpose. We flourish. The theme of this blog is from Isaiah 61:1-3 He will bestow upon you a crown instead of ashes.
3. Understand the root of your Sin. Especially as a Christian I didn't understand why I longed for sex. I had Jesus in my heart why did I want to sin? The problem is that I was focusing on the sin itself, but God wanted me to see the root. I had a hardened heart. I was sorry for what I had done but because of how it impacted me. The feelings of shame regret, and pain were awful, and I repeatedly confessed my sin and wanted reconciliation with God, but I didn't change my behavior until I learned that the holy spirit gives power to help me and I finally learned the difference between Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. 2Corinth 7:10 "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation, and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." I had sooo much regret that I realized I had worldly sorrow. I started taking true responsibility of my actions that I had denied before.
4. Obedience. God keeps refining me day by day but my one true desire is to obey Him each day. Knowing God and pleasing Him are the two greatest desires of my heart. This is because I can now see myself more how He sees me. I know I haven't touched on this enough yet but God adores you child. He is crazy in love with you and knows you more deeply and intimately than anyone else on this planet. He thinks of you constantly Psalm 68:19. the Bible is filled with His truth and how crazy he is about you. He wants to lavish his love on you. I've learned this and that is why I want to obey. He knows whats best.
5. You must pray to break the sexual bonds. You have the power of prayer to break these bonds. You just have to ask. We know that we have what we ask of Him if it is in His will. Make a sexual history list of people and take some time with God to reveal these names and/or faces to you. This will be difficult but you need to heal from each one, so you can face it. I'm praying for you too. You need Gods healing from each one. Include everyone you had sex with outside of marriage. Write down everything God shows you. This is important to process so you can move on. God knows how much you need healing, and He will stand alongside you all the way. Once you are done thats when you are ready to ask Him to give you His eyes so you can see your sin the way He does. Seeing my sin the way God did released the invisible bonds I had with all these people a new freedom and grasp of His great Grace. Each name I asked God to restore me from anything torn off, and take off anything I had taken from someone else.
If you were violated like I was you still need to forgive them to set yourself free. This is pertinent to healing. I'm copying Barbara Wilsons Prayer below that goes with #5. Take whatever time you need.
Lord, I ask forgiveness for sining against You and against my own body. IN the name of Jesus Christ, I sever and renounce the bonds I created with ______________________. In the name of Jesus I release my heart tie with they person physical, emotionally and spiritually. I choose by faith to forgive ________________ for the violation against me. I also ask for forgiveness of my violation of him (or her). Please remove the negative emotional baggage that ti have been carrying around with me, by which I have been harming others. Restore to me a virgin heart, as though I had never been with this person, and heal me completely of the damage this sin has caused my body, my soul,and my spirit. I accept your forgiveness, and I reject eh enemy attack-his attempts to fill me with shame associated with this person. I claim complete healing and restoration in the name of Jesus. Amen!
I hope and pray you walked through this and have a new found freedom. If you are a teenager I hope that this has strengthened your faith and conviction to wait. I would love to hear your story, and be your cheerleader. Feel free to message me on instagram or facebook @ashes2crowns. I would love to encourage and pray for you. Our God is so amazing and just stop for a second and try to see Him smiling down at you, he really really loves you to pieces!!
Love YOU!!! -Suz
1 Thess 4:4-7 says "Yes each of you must gaurd you sexual purity with holiness and dignity, not yielding to lustful passions like those who don't know God. Never take selfish advantage of a brother or sister in the matter, for we've already told you and solemnly warned you that the Lord is the avenger in all these things. For Gods call on our lives is not to a life of compromise and perversion but to a life surrounded in holiness."
