Easter Sunday. Heard of it, yeah we are in it. In it deep. We've got the kids dressed up excited to honor and celebrate that Jesus has risen! We scramble to a community breakfast where two out of my three children spill their breakfast all over their new outfits. (Yes jelly across the khaki pants, both legs I must admit). We start to leave and I have just remembered I left the strawberries home in the fridge that needed to be at the church for coffee hour, so my sweet husband drives home (15 minutes), to make it back to church only 5 minutes late while I'm trying to wrangle my three children alone in the pew.
Next comes the sermon with the children up front, who are invited to listen. My 6 year old answers the pastors question: "How did Jesus die"? and my son responds "He was struck by lightening"! When I'm thinking are you kidding?! How many times have we gone over this?! (again thinking this is about me and feeling humiliated). My 6 year old continues to act very much worse than normal in front of the larger than normal congregation. When he has friends with him, he tends to try to impress, so as he is making noises, talking, rolling on the floor, rolling on his friend, stomping on the steps I'm holding myself back from making a scene of grabbing him and wanting to beat his bottom. So I stare. I stare at him until he looks back so I can give him the " I'm going to beat you, you had better behave" look. Mommy's evil eyes. Yes because it was about me again. I was embarrassed, again humiliated by his behavior. I was the parent responsible. correct?
As service continues my two year old is done. She is rummy tired and needs to go down and play in the nursery. No one is there. So as I stay to play with her she needs to run to the potty 5 times...while the mean while I upset-tingly miss communion. The day the time I want to focus on Jesus its being ripped away, "because my stinkin church can't provide childcare, let alone have Sunday School to teach my children about Jesus." These words in my head, again its about me. Getting the theme here??
Minutes later after my 2 year old has accessorized herself with a Nemo fish hat and a bright fushia colored purse, I don't want to fight it so I bring her up fully and horribly accessorized because I needed to make a few announcements at the end of church.
As we adjourn, with new faces and friends there I was hoping to visit, but my 4 year old. YES 4 year old starts jumping up and down because he has to pee, NOW. Now this child is in the building 2 days a week for preschool and knows where the toilet is. He is running in circles and so I start to follow him there. As he is dancing in front of the bathroom unable to unbutton his pants I frantically try to help him, as it is too late and he has peed all over his new jellied pants, shoes, and the carpeted floor...along on my new heals...but whatever by this point. I'm so irate, I don't even know what to do. I tell him to stay there, run to get keys from my husband to transport him and 2 year old to pickup, and of course come back to clean the carpet. Irate I tell you. Again about me, and how frustrated I am that this day is going like this.
As I'm fuming on the drive home, God whispered in my ear. Its not about you. This day, the day you are wanting to celebrate was never about how humiliated, upset, or peed on you would get, but its about me. Rest in me. Be humble in me. Love and celebrate me. Jesus only wants us to come to the cross, receive his forgiveness and be with HIM. Deny yourself. Deny your fleshly desires and overflow your cup with me. Overflow yourself with the Holy Spirit.
So as I sit here waiting to go the Easter dinner, (while 2 year old naps) I'm honored to have such a big God. He is so much bigger than any disastrous Easter Sunday I could have at church. I confess to God and you that I so often get in this "its about me" mentality, when its not about me. Father and friends forgive me. I look forward to the second half of this day where I'm putting my trust in the holy spirit guiding my heart and mind. No matter what may happen next. Thank you so much Father for dying for my sins. Thank you thank you thank you!!! My "suffering" in this day does not even come close to how you suffered for me on the cross. Thank you Jesus. Today we do remember.
